how am i supposed to do this without my best friend?


so here i am. sitting in a peaceful space. just got back from a meeting with my social worker paola. it went ok today. dr. on friday. bleh.


i'm still adusting to my meds. they make me sleep all day during the heat and then...in the evening i'm awake. tonight i'm hanging with grandma. she's fun.


i'm about to go in for another appointment. please pray.


coming home...

well, for those of you who didn't get the update...i just got back last night around 7(ish) in the evening. back from where? well, i'm still processing that myself. i just spent a week at the san diego psych clinic. one flew over the cookoo's nest? kinda. and in a lot of ways yes. i still don't really know where to begin except to say: I'm glad i'm not there anymore and i'm still adjusting to the meds. so it turns out i have a chemical imbalance or something like it...which won't surprise anyone, except it totally shook me up. all this to say: i'm okay, and i love you all...but i'm not quite ready to "delve" into all that went down. it was chaotic and weird, mostly like a dream...but now i'm close to my first full day being over, with out any major bumps. thanks for your contiued prayers. please be in prayer especially for my amazing fiance´ justin...he's obviously been turned upside down during this process...my "breakdown" (meh, what else could i possibly call it?) happened just after he proposed. i can't begin to express how amazing he has been during this process, and i know that he'll be okay, because the L_rd will keep him. i just wish things had worked out differently. to quote my darling sister friend stina "what's a girl to do?" welp, i guess i just need to pray that G-d is leading us through this season of change. i know He is, i just worry a bit...so, peace be upon anyone who see this...but thatnks for understanding that right now what i need is a little time to process. i love ya'll. shalom.


i'm engaged


the breeze at lilac.

This last weekend justin and i had the pleasure of house sitting for his parents up in valley center (*1). it was lovely, mostly. we watched the 2 dogs, 1 indoor cat, and 3 outdoor cats (*2). the weekend was great filled with movies like take the money and run; tv shows like inside the actors studio(*3) ; and attempting to figure out mandolin & harmonica tunes. needless to say it was just what we needed. we shut out the world and spent quality time together, and sometimes quality time looks like naps.
  One of my favorite moments was when, while standing outside, i noticed all these fluffy white dust bits being carried in the wind. upon closer inspection i suddenly realized what i was watching flutter and dance past me: wishes. these were all pieces of dandelion (flowers/weeds) forced, by the breeze, through an old world they have never seen before. later with justin, i shared how much that moment touched me. Not just for the child in me, who instantly attempted to catch these little buggers and claim my wish, as they were never specified by the wind. it also caught the attention of the child in me who's hope is to learn more about her Lord. my thought (*4) was this: how great is our God to have the knowledge of (*5)  this soft spring breath that would carry these seeds through the air, dispersing them in various, random places? not only that but, while he may not be concerned with focusing on the specific moment, He does-in his infinite wisdom- know where every single seed will end up. the ones that will take root, those that will falter once they do, and the other who will, one day, add their own seedlings to the passing wind. the beauty of these truths astounds me. He also knows which seeds will be picked by His children and be wished upon, which just conjurs up way too many rabbit trails. to not be connected with nature, and His work in it, suffocates my heart of hearts. i need to be sure to give myself time to be overwhelmed by His creation...especially when the air is full of wishes.
* these will help you read through my thoughts, i've got far too many rabbit trails. 
1 (a cool property on lilac road, where we will be married one day
2 (which there used to be 9 of, it's wild up there)
3 (robin williams episode, where one audience member is hospitalized due to excessive laughter-seriously)
4 (and by "my" i really mean j/k's)
5 (and the boasting rights from creating the beauties and all the intricacies we don't even get to see 
with the naked eye.)


a mobile update:

setting up my outward expression of my inner monolouge....aka blog


a good thing, and a sad thing.

i wanted to try all this stuff out, and i sat here. i sat here messing with all the settings, trying a new font color, saving the changes and then regretting ever changing them at all; when suddenly i realized i had wasted far too much time on that part of things and totally gotten out of the mood for spilling stuff onto this page. ah well, now i'm tired and looking at getting up far too early in the morning to attempt anything that would even pretend to be worthwhile, and yet. and yet, here i am...posting something that won't have any thoughts beyond the thought that i have nothing to say. having an insufficient amount of focus to lend to the thoughts that are running through my mind. the pang of sadness as a family i adore moving far and all too soon, the hope of a job that is not only worthwhile on the money side but would be more satisfying than the prospects i have been trying to tackle in retail. perhaps this little mini entry into the world of blogging will remind me later those things i wanted to share. perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.